"When Black Friday comes
I stand down by the door
And catch the grey men when they
Dive from the fourteenth floor..."
- Steely Dan, "Black Friday"
I’m not one of them, and thankfully neither is the wife. I’m speaking of the millions of lemmings across our great land who, upon hearing that a crock pot at Marshall’s is going to be marked down 20%, will brave near hurricane conditions to leave the home at 3:00 am, and wait in line with the rest of the shopping zombies as I call them. I love the footage on the evening news after Black Friday. A “melee at the mall,” as our friends at Channel 7 would call it. An angry grandma stomping on a 6 year old to get the last air fryer because it’s “on sale." (By the way, we got suckered into buying one of those things and yep, we only used it once.) I’m not against shopping, I’m just against shopping as a sport. Cyber Monday is cool I guess, but I don’t need a new flat screen or laptop, so I’m good. If you must venture out on Black Friday, here are some handy tips:
- Go to a mall with a bar.
- Go with your wife, and make her shop while you take in a movie.
- Take my wife with you, she loves shopping, but not when it gets in the way of sleep.
- Mace is your friend.
- There’s nothing at the store that Amazon can’t bring over the following day.