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The Naked Man: Seinfeld Fan Fiction by Paul Castronovo

It’s been a few years, but Seinfeld is back! Here’s what our heroes have been up to:

Jerry is still doing comedy, but he’s too old for the clubs, so he’s doing the condo circuit. He made a lot of money over the years, but he is frustrated with his career now. He is happily married to a former flight attendant/beauty queen named Stacy and has 2 perfect kids, Wendy and Larry

George is divorced, with two older, neurotic children. Tony and Estelle (named after her Grandmother) Costanza

Elaine married a wealthy older man and they live separate lives, but are still technically married.

Kramer is single and lives in the same building as Jerry…in Florida

They all live in Florida, where this episode takes place:

The Naked Man

Scene one, act one. Jerry’s Condo. Jerry’s wife is at a Pilates class and the kids are off at college. Kramer is sitting on the porch.

Jerry looking out the window towards the beach…10 stories down

Jerry: “Ya know, if I didn’t know better I believe what I’m looking at right there is a grade A, 100% naked man walking down the beach right towards our building”

Kramer: “Ha ha ha, I know what you’re doing there buddy, you’re trying to get me to get up and get off the couch to get me to look and then you’ll say psych! Or “gotcha” or something juvenile, and it was just one of your little comedy ruse’s to get me to move. Oh no Jerry, I wasn’t born last night, no…I’m onto your little game.

Jerry: “All right sir, then what I’m staring at, which correct me if I’m wrong, resembles a bird sitting on its eggs in a very fleecy nest, and sir, if it isn’t a naked man, I’d be willing to give you $50.”

Kramer: “now that’s not fair Jerry, you know I’m not supposed to gamble, so if I get up and it’s not a naked man, parading his privates for all to see, displaying his paraphernalia to the innocent beach goer, you will pay me $50?

Jerry: “You are correct sir, but if in fact is a naked man, you would owe me that very 50” 

Kramer: “What if I told you that I don’t want to see a naked man?”

Moments before, Elaine had walked in and heard Kramer…

Elaine: “I wanna see a naked man” 

Kramer: “Well little lady, I never thought you’d ask”

Jerry: “Ok, enough! Take your little burlesque show out of here, nobody needs to see that! No, what the exhibitionist there was saying, Elaine… was that there’s a naked man walking down the beach”

Elaine: “ooh baby! I do wanna see….Wait, isn’t George on the beach this morning? He told me that he was going to lie out and get some sun”

Jerry: But George hates the sun, and the beach, doesn’t he?

Kramer: Yeah, isn’t’ he allergic to the sun and breaks out in hives if he gets too much exposure

Elaine: yeah, but he said it would be worth the hives if he could get a beach chair next to the woman he saw yesterday in the card room”

Jerry: Don’t look now, but our hero is about to encounter, one very naked man!


George: (leaning over to talk to the girl next to him on the beach) “I’m sorry to bother you, but I did I get my entire face with the lotion? My dermatologist said I need to cover my entire face with at least 70 SPF, what does SPF stand for anyway? It probably has to do with the sun, right? Well, of course it has to do with the sun, what’s wrong with me? Oh no, I got it in my eye, boy, it kind of burns…Did I get it in my eye? (his whole face is white, covered in lotion), Oh boy, now my glasses are blurry….(pauses) ya know…I was trying to be nice, I said, sorry to bother you. Not even a response! Boy oh boy, some people are just rude. I simply wanted to make a little small talk, and every woman on the planet thinks they’re being hit on. (voice raising as he speaks getting more aggravated as he goes on) God forbid someone on the beach, granted she’s a very attractive woman, and the single divorced man asks her if his face is covered with lotion and I get bupkis, nothing! Well, fine. I will never bother you again, but if you ever…”

Just then, the girl looks over, pulls her earbuds out of her ears and says,

Crystal (girl on beach)  “I’m so sorry, I was listening to an audio book, did you say something?”

Just then, the naked man walks right eye level with George and the woman

George: “I was just going to ask you if you’d like to see a naked man?” 

She slaps him across the face

Crystal: how dare you? 

Then she sees the naked man as Elaine, Kramer and Jerry show up 

Jerry: “ well, I see things are going swimmingly” 

Kramer removes his trunks and starts walking after the naked guy

Kramer: “when in Rome” 

Elaine: “We’re in Del Boca Vista! Kramer!” To Jerry, “I didn’t know he was Jewish?” 

Crystal: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to slap you, I’m Crystal”

Jerry: “oh, he didn’t mind. That’s the most contact he’s had with a woman..”.

George: Yes? 

Jerry: “that’s the most contact he’s had with a woman, I’ll leave it there.” 

George: very funny, (to crystal): Hi, I’m george, these are my “friends” Jerry, Elaine and the other naked guy is Kramer. We are not associated with the first naked man, which by the way...does anybody know why he was naked? 

Crystal: nice to meet you guys, I just moved into the building, and..hey you look familiar, have we met (to Jerry) 

Jerry: “Jerry Seinfeld, comedian at your service. “

Crystal: “ I thought you looked familiar! Oh my God”

Jerry: “well, it’s always a pleasure meeting my fans”

Crystal: “ oh, I wish you could my parents loved you, but they’ve passed”

Elaine: “maybe you should start playing funeral homes, Jerry”

George: “didn’t I see you in the card room last night?”

Jerry:” see her? You stalked her like a puma chasing a wombat on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom”

Elaine: “That was a TV show that your parents used to watch, Crystal . Right on point with those references Jerry, you are cutting edge.” 

Crystal: “oh stop, I’m old enough to remember that show, I just take care of my skin...(and looks at george with his face covered in lotion ) apparently you do too.”

Elaine: “oh, he breaks out in hives in the sun, don’t you George?”

George: “my friends were just leaving”

Jerry: “no we weren’t, we love to watch a good train wreck”

Crystal: “well, nice to meet you, hopefully I’ll see you around the building, and George...I’m in 10C if you’d like to have a glass of wine later, say 8pm?”

George: “oh, i don’t drink wine, my blood sugar is a bit high, but thank you anyway.”

Crystal: “(mystified) picks up her stuff, begins walking away, “ok, too bad” 

Crystal hurries off, Jerry looks towards Elaine

Jerry: “mind if I take this one?”

Elaine: “he’s all yours” 

Jerry: “no thanks, your blood sugar is high?” I think you may be high!

George: “what? I was being honest” 

Jerry: “Elaine, you’re up” 

Elaine: “George, do you hate sex? Wine isn’t wine. Wine is sex. You have a short memory, remember the coffee?” 

George: “oh my god, the coffee incident. Coffee isn’t coffee, coffee is sex. But what does that have to do with wine?” 

Elaine: “Jerry?” 

Jerry: “thank you Elaine. George, I’m not sure how things are done on your planet, but when an attractive woman, that you meet on the beach, while your face is painted like you’re going to war against a rival tribe, invites you up to her apartment...”

George: (gets up and starts running towards the condo building) “Crystal! I love wine! I even have an opener! Crystal! Crystal” 

Elaine: “he’s your friend, come on let’s go see how this turns out.” 

Jerry: “he wasn’t always this bad, (pause) yes he was.”

Cut to the pool deck. Kramer is in a robe smoking a cigar with the naked guy, who’s also in a robe, they’re drinking a bottle of wine together...George is walking up out of breath. 

Kramer: “Georgie boy, come meet my friend Sven, he’s a nudist”

George: “you don’t say.” 

Kramer: “why are you so out of breath?” 

Just then, Jerry and Elaine walk up

George: “I’ve been all over looking for this woman, that I....”

Elaine: “that he blew it with, hey, aren’t you the naked guy ? “

Sven: “I’m a nudist. My names Sven. “

Elaine: “Sven, of course you are. Shall we? (They walk off) “ 

George: “anyway, I’ve been looking all over for a woman who...”

Kramer: “you’re on your own little buddy, I’ve got an appointment with a bathing beauty in 10 C, who...get this...wants me to come up to her apartment for (using air quotes) “wine” know what wine means don’t you?” 

Jerry: he does now. 

End scene. 

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