Welcome to the adventures of Florida Man, aka the world's worst superhero! Here's what went down in the Sunshine State this week:
Florida man has screwdriver surgically removed from rectum
Where: Kendall
What Happened: The man, who suffers from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, entered the operation room in septic shock, complaining of week-long abdominal and pelvic pain. Doctors performed a CT scan of the man’s abdominal area and found what appeared to be a screwdriver
Score: Anything that gives us an unusual x-ray is classic Florida Man. However, a lack of motivation and history of mental illness puts a damper on things. I'll give this one a 1 1/2 out of 5.
Florida Man Doing 90 in a 55 Tells Cops He Was Racing Home After 'Cheating on His Wife'
Where: Tarpon Springs
What Happened: Jon Earl Pickard, 52, was pulled over Sunday night for driving recklessly and told police that he “needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife.” When cops searched him post-arrest, they found a baggie with crack cocaine in his shirt pocket, leading to an additional felony drug possession count.
Score: This story has got bad driving, infidelity, blunt honesty with police, and good old-fashioned drug possession. Lends itself to a good headline for sure, but it just doesn't excite me, ya know? Meh.....giving this Florida Man a score of 2 out of 5.
South Florida Woman Steals Golf Cart, Drives it on I-95
Where: Miami-Dade
What Happened: Police say the woman stole a golf cart from a University of Miami hospital before taking it for a ride on I-95. They say she has since been Baker Acted.
Score: This is classic "Florida Man" energy. See previous incidents: 'Florida man goes for 70 mph ride on car hood on I-95' and 'Nearly nude Florida man rides bike backward on Miami interstate.' This woman has a lot to live up to! While she gets points for the unique mode of transportation and the audacity of using the express lanes without a Sunpass or toll-by-plate, I have to deduct points for the lack of nudity and relatively low danger level. Adding in bonus points for the camera man's 'Go Ganes!' and I'm giving this incident a 3 out of 5.