Welcome to the adventures of Florida Man, aka the world's worst superhero! Here's what went down in the Sunshine State this week:
Seasonal UPS Employee Arrested for Stealing Them
Where: Miami, FL
What Happened: A seasonal UPS employee was arrested after hiding multiple packages behind dumpsters and then stealing them. Items stolen included Kindles, Play Station 4’s, an HP laptop computer and more. (Read the full story here.)
Score: Ok, at first this seems like a normal crime that could take place anywhere. Boring. Then I saw the mugshot. His hair alone earns him 1 out of 5 Florida Man points.
Florida woman offering at-home orthodontics
Where: Jacksonville, FL
What Happened: A Jacksonville woman was apparently advertising on Facebook for deeply discounted braces, which she puts on at her own home. The woman is not licensed as an orthodontist, dentist or hygienist. (Read more here.)
Score: You gotta love any medical procedures that are done in some randos house. I gotta drop some points for lack of originality...since this isn't the first time this has happened in Florida (Operation Extraction: Couple Arrested for Allegedly Running Illegal Dental Office out of Garage). However, those points were gained back when I discovered that she offered 24k gold braces for an upcharge. 1 1/2 out of 5 Florida Man points.
Man Accused Of Throwing Pot Of Turkey Soup During Fight
Where: Holiday, FL
What Happened: A 29-year-old Holiday man was charged with aggravated assault and felony battery after he was accused of throwing a hot pot of turkey soup on another man. (Read more here.)
Score: It's a good base for Florida Man antics any time there's a food fight that ends in an arrest. What gets this guy on the list is the cause of the fight - according to police reports the argument was over lipstick and a blanket. 2 out of 5 Florida Man points.
Half-naked Florida Man Makes A Mess At Elementary School
Where: Apopka, FL
What Happened: A man broke into an elementary school over night, leaving behind handprints in both cake frosting and human excrement. Police also found a stapler in a toilet and dirty underwear dangling from the roof. (Read more here.)
Score: This entire story is WTF from top to bottom. I have so many questions. Like, where did the cake frosting come from? What did the stapler do to deserve such treatment? Does their janitorial staff get hazard pay for the clean up? Wow. Bonus points for his excuse too; he blamed his actions on marijuana that was laced with an ‘unknown substance.’ The only things missing is an alligator. Solid 3 1/2 out of 5 Florida Man points.