It's no secret, Hallmark Channel Movies follow a formula. Yesterday, Paul declared that he had cracked that formula and could write his own movie worthy of Candace Cameron Bure. The challenge was born - with Heather as judge, the guys on the show each submitted their own Hallmark-esque movie, with required plot points submitted by our listeners. Check out the finished stories below!
Paul's Story: The Ugly Irishman and the Kennel Girl
Trista had been at her family run kennel for as long as she could remember, doing it all, from cleaning the cages as a young girl to creating organic salmon treats for the dogs that visited today. But this isn’t your stereotypical kennel, this was the Ritz Carlton of dog kennels. “The Red Woof Inn” had been kenneling dogs since the 1950’s, first run by Trista’s Grandmother Helga, a beefy woman, who locals joked was only successful because the dogs that stayed at the kennel looked just like her. It was then run by Trista’s Mother, Bettina, who also opened a bed and breakfast on the upper two floors, catering to weary road travelers who feasted on her famous buttermilk biscuits and meat pies, until her untimely death.
This was a trying time for Trista, a slender, attractive, 27 year old brunette. While her friends were getting on with their lives, falling in Love and starting families, Trista was trying the keep the kennel afloat, while also caring for her ailing Mother.
Sure, She had boyfriends, from the occasional awkward encounter with a delivery guy, to a steamy evening at Applebee’s every now and then with Todd, her ex high school boyfriend who ran the local Feed store. But while these may have satisfied some of her primal needs, she knew there was more, but as long as she was trapped at the Kennel, there was no way she would ever meet someone.
One morning, Trista heard blood curdling screams from her Mother coming from the kitchen; She’d been cleaning the cage of Wendy, a snippy cocker spaniel who’d bitten some of the little league boys earlier that week, her owners decided to get her out of the house and board her with Bettina, if anybody could get a handle on Wendy, it was her...they were wrong. As soon as Wendy realized Bettina didn’t have any salmon treats on, she pounced, puncturing her juggler and leaving Bettina to slowly die. Trista ran in, smacked Wendy with a spatula and administered CPR. The ambulance arrived and took Bettina to the hospital*, the prognosis wasn’t good.
Trista needed to spend time with her Mother, but also couldn’t afford to lose the kennel. So she placed an ad in the newspaper and after weeding through the many applications, became intrigued by Regis, a Canadian Dog sled champion* who had retired to the area and was looking for something in the canine industry to keep him busy, the Red Woof Inn was perfect. Over a cup of Foldgers and some moister than usual scones, Trista felt comfortable leaving the Kennel in the hands of Regis.
Day after day, Trista would sit at her Mothers bedside, reading her romance novels, (her favorite) while longing for some romance of her own. One afternoon, an orderly came in and said, “Good morning miss, the hospital’s filling up, so we’re bringing another patient into the room, he’s an Irishman recovering from plastic surgery, and we need the bed”. This didn’t bother Trista, her Mother was comatose and near deaths door, and frankly, she welcomed the company.
“Top of the morning to ya’ there, laddie” was the first thing Trista heard as they wheeled the strapping 6 foot 3” chiseled man into the room, he was bandaged from forehead to chin, leaving only his steely blue eyes and his nostrils free to breath.
“Oh, hello” uttered a startled Trista, “I didn’t expect you so soon’, she explained. “Don’t you worry your pretty little head” he said in a deep, lilting, Irish accent. “Are you from afar? Said Trista. “Aye, that I am! I’m from Ireland, where we don’t get great medical care, so here I be. I own a chain of gourmet dog food stores, and with the luck of the Irish, I’ll be back soon...I miss me puppies”. Trista stammered, “Were you in an accident…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t pry”. “oh it’s ok, little lady” said the big Irishman, “around my parts, I was known as the ugly Irishmen*, and frankly, It got old, so I hired the world’s greatest plastic surgeon and I’m recovering here. Once I heal, Its back to Ireland and I can’t wait to show me mates, me new mug”. He stuck his hand out and said, “Hi, I’m Mick”.
Trista’s Mother soon died and was buried, but while passing the hours away with Mick, tending to his wounds, and offering up generous helpings of Neosporin to his slowly healing face, she’d fallen for the husky Irishman, even though she’d never seen his face. This was the happiest time of her life, getting to know Mick, tending to his facial scars and dare she say it to herself, falling in love. This went on for 5 glorious months.
Then one day, the Canadian Dog sledder who’d been tending to the kennel called, “Miss Trista, you won’t believe this but, the Iditarod called! They want me to come out of retirement! You’ve got to get back to the Inn, I’m leaving in the morning”. Trista burst into tears! She was completely happy nursing Mick back to good health, but couldn’t let the kennel go out of business, she had the toughest decision of her life to make.
“Trista slowly walked into his hospital room, “Mick, I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I hope your facial reconstructive surgery heals well, but (tears began streaming down her face) I have to go back to work, the kennel needs me...but once your face heals, please come visit me before returning to Ireland.” Mick choked back tears himself, a moist blood stained gauze bandage the only thing keeping him from kissing her, “Aye Little girl, you’re the pot of gold in my fairy tale”. She stood up crying and ran out.
Six long months passed, and Trista had moved on with her life, and the kennel was operating at full capacity. One hot summer afternoon, While waiting for a delivery of some dog food, and paper goods from Amazon, the doorbell rang. “Just leave the delivery at the front door please!” She yelled out. “Aye Missy” said Mick, “I don’t have a delivery for you, but I do have something else”.
She would know that Irish lilt anywhere. Could it be? In her dreams, this moment would happen. She ran to the door and there he was, his curly locks of thick dark hair, cascading around pouting lips, a square jaw and the kindest eyes you’d ever seen. His smile framed by a close cropped beard, he was, to put it mildly, a beautiful man. Trista threw herself into his arms, smiling, and whispered, “Thank God”.
“Thank God we’re together?” said Mick.
“No," said Trista, “Thank God you’re hot”.
Toast's Story: F You Dolphin Lady
Daniel is a weathered, hardnosed man, reminiscent of generations past, who comes from a long line of commercial fisherman. As the seas have grown rougher over his life, so has he. But now, as climate change affects the migration of the fish Danny depends on to support his turrets-stricken son, and the waters he can fish become less and less, he is faced with one more obstacle as a local dolphin conservationist tries to finish him and the rest of his industry off.
Billy Ray Cyrus and Laurie Laughlin, in her return performance, star, in the Hallmark Saturday Night Movie, F You Dolphin Lady…
Danny Wilder grew up in a fishing family. His great-grandfather started the family fleet over 70 years ago, but times have changed and the once thriving fleet is now down to a solitary few as Danny struggles to keep it afloat. If that wasn't pressure enough, Danny is also a single father. His wife, Melody, met her untimely passing while on a family vacation. Hiking through the Adirondacks, the always curious Melody, got too close to a family of adult badgers protecting their litter and was mauled to death. If that wasn't tragic enough, witnessing the event first hand was so traumatic for son Donald that he developed a horrible case of 'sudden onset turrets syndrome.'
Danny and Donny did their best to survive in the wake of Melody's passing. Danny woke up every morning and sailed the seven seas in search of a bounty he could take to market. Meanwhile Donny woke up every morning and did his best not to tell his 6th grade teach to F off. This was their life, until one day when Danny was told upon arriving at the dock in the morning, that he would not be able to fish his beloved area because a dolphin conservationist had gotten a federal restraining order banning the practice. With no where to fish, Danny had to dry dock his fishing fleet and look for work elsewhere…
The dinner rush was always stressful for Danny at The Red Lobster. While he had never waited tables before, he certainly had a fine knowledge of all aquatic creatures and would use that knowledge to entertain his diners with fun trivia. One of his regulars who especially enjoyed playing trivia with Danny during her lunch break, was Melinda. Melinda was a paralegal by day, but unbeknownst to Danny, she was also the head of the local dolphin conservation group…
As their daily trivia matches continued, Danny began to feel a bond develop between the two, so much so that he decided to ask Melinda if she would like to go out on a date with him. Melinda, who had been feeling the same said yes. That weekend the two attended a Counting Crows concert and despite a mute lady who was sitting behind them insisting on trying to sing along, they fell for each other. At one point during Mr. Jones, Melinda made the comment that the mute woman behind them almost sounded like a dolphin. Danny asked how she knew that and Melinda told him about her work as a dolphin conservationist. Danny's jaw dropped along with his churro. He suddenly realized that it was Melinda who had caused his family business to die…he was crushed. He told her he needed to go to the bathroom and took an uber home.
Months went by and Danny continued working at The Red Lobster, but his favorite customer Melinda no longer came in. When he would go home at night his son Donny, sensing his father's sadness would repeatedly say F the Dolphin Lady over and over…it was driving them both mad. Then one day, Melinda showed up at the Red Lobster, she ran up to Danny and told him how sorry she was and how wrong she was. It turns out that the data she used to have his fishing fleet shut down, was wrong. It was fake news. Fake data peddled by her liberal elite overlords. Danny began to cry, Donny, who had gotten a job as a dishwasher to help make ends meet, began running around the Red Lobster, and instead of yelling F the Dolphins Lady, he yelled F George Soros instead!
Mike's Story: Over The Moon
In a not too distant future we meet Claire Turnberry; a struggling biologist and experimental stem cell researcher who while doing incredibly well professionally has hit rock bottom in her personal life. Sex addiction has estranged her from her mother and sisters. The loss of her father in her teens had sent her into a pleasure seeking tail spin and sex was her drug of choice. Her Christian family had all but washed their hands of her and her constant need for sex had destroyed every single one of her relationships. Her ex Cary, just couldn’t meet her sex drive. He couldn’t keep up, and day after day of dissatisfaction for Claire was a recipe for disaster. She soon let her torrid desires lead her astray when a post work happy hour turned into a parking lot liaison with a cute bartender. Cary’s brother just so happened to be friends with that cute little bartender and the rest is history. She’s all alone now. No family, no partner, just a few friendly coworkers that had yet to learn of her dirty secret and relationship failings.
Micah Cruz had just dropped out of college. He was a star linebacker at the University of Florida but a horrifically torn ACL had ended his football career just 2 games into his sophomore year. Depressed and lost, he sought refuge in the school gym and soon lost sight of his school work. He decides to drop out and get a job at a gym in town. He began training customers when one afternoon one of his old college peers would change his life. Her sorority was having a party and needed a male stripper; she didn’t want some creeper she’d never met in the house so she thought Micah would be perfect. He was 6’ 3”, ripped, and looked like a more masculine Zach Galifinakis with blazing green eyes. He was initially hesitant but eventually agreed. Well it turns out he loved it, and the women loved him. He was a natural.
Fast forward 2 years and he’s one of the hottest male dancers in Florida. But something haunts him and continues to hold him back from taking the next leap in his career. He’s not gifted in the pants… He barely fills out his thongs. Stuffing was never an option because most women were so aggressive and touchy-feely it would no doubt be discovered… and that would be even more embarrassing than his lackluster crotch package. But what could he do? You can’t weight train your wiener.
Meanwhile Claire was offered the opportunity of a life time. The year is 2049 and we’ve finally established an experimental moon base with a limited staff of scientists and test subjects learning how to survive on the moon and utilize lunar properties for medical and technological advancement. She knew removing herself from society, from the allure of beautiful men, might just be exactly what she needed to escape her consuming sex addiction. As a lead researcher at the top of her field, Claire was chosen to go and help push forward stem cell technology for what could be the most lucrative medical procedure ever if they could figure it out: legitimate penile enlargement.
The line of hopeful test subjects seeking penile enlargement was long. That’s what she said. So they came up with a lottery system to pick a few hopeful candidates. Micah would be one of them. The moon offered opportunities for cell growth that just weren’t possible on Earth. Having 1/6 the gravity of Earth, the lunar surface let cells grow much larger and at a much more rapid pace.
There Micah and Claire met. As the head of her research group she would be leading the experiments on Micah. She immediately struggled with her attraction to him. She had been surrounded by nerdy, feeble scientists for the last 6 months so when she witnessed Micah’s broad shoulders barely squeeze into their meeting room for the first time she got light headed. How could she focus now?! The following weeks would test every ounce of Claire’s will. But Micah was here for one reason. A bigger penis. He wouldn’t let Claire lose focus on the task at hand, and he became a bit of a personal therapist for her. Someone she could confide her desires in, but more importantly, someone that could resist her advances. Claire would spend much of her down time talking to Micah about her wild desires and how they’d destroyed her relationships. At this point Micah was an expert at refusing women; he was the perfect confidant. Claire slowly learned how to be around such an incredible male specimen without losing control.
After months of injections, and testing their experiments were complete… and they exceeded all expectations. Micah wasn’t just impressive now… he was a destroyer. They were all ecstatic and partied that night with what limited alcohol supplies they had on their side of the base. Late in the evening Claire cornered Micah; both champagne drunk. She looked deep into Micah’s eyes, “There’s one last experiment that needs to be executed,” she said as earnestly as she could.
“For science,” he whispered with a growing smile.
Photos: Hallmark Channel/Crown Media