Mike Anderson’s Definitive Fast Food Condiment Ranking
I am unashamed to say I love garbage fast food. I love everything about it. I want it greasy, salty, dripping with cheese, poorly wrapped in paper, and tossed in a grease-stained bag. Oh, and add jalapenos and bacon to whatever I just ordered, I don’t care what it costs. Give me extra sauce packets and don’t you dare charge me, you piece of crap.
I also love fast food condiments. I hoard them in my special kitchen drawer assigned to random sauces and chip bag clips. Ladies and gentlemen, here is my definitive ranking of fast food sauces:
6. Royal Farms Jalapeno Cheese Sauce – It’s nothing ground breaking, but God I love dipping my hand cut western fries into that hot tub of cheese while simultaneously destroying my chicken tender sub. (If you've never visited or lived in the mid-Atlantic then you probably have no idea what I'm talking about.)
5. Arby’s Horsey Sauce – The perfect creamy concoction of horseradish, mayo and… whatever else is in it. It’s perfect for their roast beef sandwiches and fries and quite frankly the only sauce you need there.
4. Chick-Fil-A Sauce – The juggernaut of Chick-Fil-A’s extensive sauce selection. It’s like 5 indistinct sauces all mixed into one giant… indistinct sauce. So familiar, yet so wonderfully different.
3. McDonald’s Sweet & Sour Sauce – Oh boy, this one takes me back to post pre-kindergarten lunches with my Grandmom in the Havre de Grace McDonald’s right off Rt. 40. Besides nostalgia, this sauce offers complexity and versatility. It’s the ONLY thing to dunk you McNuggets into, and it’s also amazing on fries. And occasionally I’ll dip my Big Mac in it.
2. Popeye’s Blackened Ranch – Popeye’s may have perfected ranch. They fixed everything traditional ranch lacks—it’s got depth and a solid bite to it. It’s obviously awesome on their chicken tenders and equally great on their fries. This one’s a bit of a sleeper but it almost made my #1 spot.
1. Burger King’s Zesty Sauce – Nothing packs quite a punch like BK’s zesty sauce. It was designed to complement their onion rings which I never actually get, but it is most definitely THE perfect French fry dipping sauce. Plus I’m pretty sure it’s what they spread on their BK Stacker buns. (Their best burger I might add, but that’s a list for another day.) Not to mention how unique it is. I honestly can’t compare it to anything else I’ve ever tried. It is my pound-for-pound fast food sauce champ; it’s versatile and unparalleled.