Mike's Awful List of the Week: Things I Secretly Do When No One’s Around


These are some things I secretly like to do when no one’s around...

-Sometimes there’s some dancing… usually some form of the robot. It’s not great but it’s not terrible either.

-Whistle, I fancy myself an amateur whistler that could easily go pro if I wanted to go down that road. Oh and I especially like to do it in resonate spaces like a bathroom or stairwell.

-Have hypothetical arguments that occasionally end with me upper cutting air.

-Talk to my dogs as if they were legitimately human. Not baby talk but serious discussions.

-When I’m alone in the car I occasionally enjoy screaming obscenities; usually when I miss an exit, forget something at home, or just in a general road rage situation.

-Do spontaneous karate type hand movements similar to Neo in the Matrix before fight scenes.

-Semi related—sometimes while texting someone, I will unwittingly make the face of the emoji or gif I’m looking for… Not sure exactly how it relates but I needed to get that off my chest.

-Let my little French bulldog Winnie hump my arm a bit. Just for a 5 -10 seconds. For the record her hind end never makes contact and it looks hilarious, cut me some slack.

-Eating. When I’m really hungry and no one is around I will eat like a savage. Like a starving dog that just got its paws on a steak covered in peanut butter.