Seinfeld 2021; The Shot
Scene one Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry is walking past the front door, Kramer yells from outside the door, “Jerry, is that you?”
Jerry: “Yes Kramer, generally I’m the one who lives in ‘my’ apartment”
Door opens and Kramer comes flying in...
Kramer: “well, I’m getting the vaccine!”
Jerry: “you’re getting the vaccine?”
Kramer: “that’s right Jerry, I’m part of the solution...” you’re part of the problem”
Buzzer goes off, Jerry goes to the door:
Through intercom: “It’s George”
Jerry: “(stammering a bit) uh, I’m gonna get the vaccine, I am ...but ...
Kramer: “but what?”
Jerry: (like a little boy) “I’m afraid of needles”
Door opens, George walks in
Kramer: “Jerry’s afraid of needles”
Jerry: “ok all right, let’s not make a federal case out of this”
George: “Whadya mean you’re afraid of needles?” What needle? Since when do you deal in needles?”
Jerry: “I’m not dealing in needles, Kramer’s getting the vaccine and I just said that I was afraid of needles. Now do me a favor, Elaine has been all over me to get the vaccine so when she gets up here , don’t say anything “.
Door Buzzer rings
Jerry: “that’s her, now vault it”
Door:
Elaine: “it’s me”
Jerry: “c’mon up”
George: “what’s wrong with you? You’re scared? I’m gonna go down with my parents to get the shot, that way the nut jobs will pay for it”
Kramer: “it’s free”
George “what’s free?”
Kramer: “ the vaccine, its free, no charge Mogambo”
George: “free? Free? (George runs out the door as Elaine walks in) nothings free! Wow”
Elaine: “where’s he going in such a hurry?”
Jerry gives Kramer a look...then says: “um he heard there was a FEE to park, um so he had to go”
Kramer: “no, no no , he found out the vaccine was free so he’s gonna run out to get the shot, me too, I’m going right after my shower”
Elaine: “good for you Kramer! Ya know it’s the quickest way to get back to our old ways”
Kramer: “yeah, too bad Jerry’s afraid of needles, I’ll see you later”
Door closes, Elaine is staring down Jerry
Elaine: (baby talk) “is the little boy afraid of needles, it’s ok I’ll give you a lollipop “
Jerry: “ok enough”
Elaine: “Jerry! you promised me you were going to get the vaccine so we could go out and live our lives again”
Jerry: “yes, I’m sure the waitress at the coffee shop is just beside herself wondering where I’ve been”
Elaine: “come on, what’s wrong w you, it doesn’t hurt, why would you be afraid of needles? Did something happen to you?”
Jerry: “I don’t wanna talk about it”
Elaine: “I’ll just call your Mother”
Dials cell phone
Jerry: “Elaine! “
Elaine: “oh hi Mrs Seinfeld; no nobody died...Jerry’s fine...no, we aren’t a couple, no...yea it’s still cold up here, it’s February in New York...anyway, Jerry is refusing to get vaccinated....yes but why is he afraid to get vaccinated, he did? He is?”
Elaine bursts into hysterical laughter , “goodbye Mrs Seinfeld, and thank you” laughter trails and she can barely compose herself
Door opens up: Kramer walks in with a towel around his waist, soaking wet, “Jerry...you got any soap? Elaine, compose yourself what’s so funny”
Jerry: “Elaine! If you don’t say anything I’ll pay for everything for the next 24 hours”
Elaine: “24 hours? Nah...Kramer, you won’t believe....”
Jerry: “ok ! Name your price...
Suddenly Newman appears in the doorway wearing a mask and says something muffled
Group: “huh? What’d ya say? “
Newman removes the mask: “Hello Jerry”
Jerry: “Hello Newman”
Newman: “did someone say name your price? What, prey tell are we negotiating?”
Elaine: “Jerry is afraid to get vaccinated because he’s scared of needles, but he won’t tell me why, so I called his mother, she told me but Jerry wants me to keep it in the vault, so I’m asking him what it’s worth to him”
Newman: “Hmmm, curious, interesting, let me think this over...Jerry do you have any roast beef?”
Jerry: “goodbye Newman “ door closes behind him.
Scene: Frank and Estelle Costanza are driving, George is in the back seat; they’re arguing
Frank: (yelling) “Why’d you try to tip the nurse? You don’t tip the nurse “
Estelle: “she was lovely, she said she liked my hair doo “
Frank: “she was administering a federally mandated vaccine! She’s not bringing you the ketchup! You’re giving away our Sons inheritance!”
Estelle: “it was only a 20...Georgie, how does your arm feel?
George: “I don’t know but for some reason my head hurts. Can you drop me off at Jerry’s? As crazy as this sounds, I need to be around some normal people “
Cut to Jerry’s: Elaine, and Jerry are still discussing what would be fair, when George walks in..
George: “Well, I’m vaccinated...do you think that will make me more attractive to women?”
Jerry: “oh yeah, that’ll help”
George: “ I’m serious, Elaine?”
Elaine: “well I find a fully vaccinated man very attractive “
Jerry: “you find a man that’s breathing and employed very attractive “
Elaine: “well at least he’s not afraid to get a shot “
George: “are we still with that? get the shot already, it’s nothing “
Elaine: “His Mother told me why he’s afraid of needles and I’m negotiating a financial agreement with him not to tell you and Kramer”
George: “$25,000 that would be my
Number”
Jerry: “would you butt out..Elaine, this is my final offer. One months worth of meals at the coffee shop...that’s it”
George looks at her mouths “25 Grand”
Elaine: “Jerry just tell him, it will be liberating “
Jerry: “ok fine but you can’t laugh”
Kramer walks in, fully showered and dressed
Kramer: “I’m a new man, showered, vaccinated...bring on the ladies...(Leers at Elaine) hello madam “
Elaine: “hold me back..come on..Jerry’s about to tell us why he’s afraid of needles “
Kramer: “this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time you pooped your pants in Tim Watleys dental office when he tried to give you the Novocain shot would it? “
Jerry: “well, I ....”
Kramer: “yeah Tim tells that story all the time...needle comes out...and all of a sudden the room smells like someone stepped in dog poop...the hygienist left...nobody’s heard from her since”
George and Elaine are holding back laughs
Jerry grabs his coat, looks at the three of them and walks out the door
Kramer, Elaine and George fall apart in hysterics